You know what you are really good at?  When you are on the receiving end of that sentence, let me tell you, it feels really, really good!

The other day, one of the people I have the pleasure of working with in Arbonne, Jasna, called to thank me for an event that I had hosted.  It was my pleasure.  The extra thank you wasn’t necessary, but it sure was appreciated!  Over the years I have learned that thank you can go a long way.

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Lesson #1:  Make that extra effort of saying thank you one more time.

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I learned that because people said thank you to me and it made me feel really appreciated.  So I thought, “Tory, you may want to think about paying that thank you forward.  Actually, why don’t you just try your hardest to make that a new habit.”

Anyway, back to my conversation…so Jasna said,  “You know what you are really good at Tory?”  Wow, was I all in then!  I couldn’t wait to hear what she thought I was good at!  It’s not that I expect compliments or kudos, it’s just that no matter where you are in life, people (including myself) have lots of insecurities. I will be totally honest with you all, I have a ridiculous number of insecurities. So when people want to tell me something nice about myself, you bet I am listening!

So Jasna said something like, “You are really good at coaching in a sense that you take something that someone really needs to improve upon, but you don’t make them feel bad about it.”  I truly don’t remember her exact words, but it was something like that. So I thought about what she said and I thought about what it is that I do that would make her say that?  You see, I think I mess up all the time in my leadership. People don’t know about:

• The times I have been called out for not being so great at coaching.
• The times I have hurt people’s feelings.
• The time I gave bad advice.
• The time I shut them down, instead of firing them up.

Oh my gosh…those are the times I tend to remember!  But you know what?  Jasna’s words of affirmation not only made my day, but it also reminded me that there are way more times than not that I have done a good job!

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Here comes Lesson #2:  When you point out something a person is good at, you may just have given them something they really needed to hear that day.

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My point is, if you think it, say it!  I have been saying things I think to people since then and you should see their entire being change. They have sat up a little taller, their eyes got a little brighter, and their entire mojo began to change just by that one little sentence,

You know what you are really good at?

Try it and see!  Plus one more positive is that it helps you focus on what people are good at instead of the alternative.

So Jasna thinks I’m good at making sure people don’t feel bad in a coaching environment? Hmm, I had to think about that and here is what I came up with.  As I am saying something to someone else, my brain automatically puts myself in their position.  How would I feel if someone was saying this to me?  Would I would feel bad or insecure in their position?  I immediately try to turn that around so they would end up hearing what they need to hear, while feeling great about themselves at the same time by pointing out their strengths.  Do I succeed 100% of the time?  Nope!  But I sure do try.  And Jasna telling me that I’m good at coaching helped me remember that I have had a lot of successes (not just the failures I tend to remember the most).  I can immediately see when I am saying something that people feel insecure about. I can just see their body language change and I just know.  So that is when I quickly try my best to tell that person that this is just one little tweak that I would suggest within ALL of the things they are great at!

“Put yourself if their shoes”…We have all heard that from our parents, right?

This must have been something that really stuck with me.  I can see things from both sides.  I hate it when parents are right!?!

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And now Lesson #3: As you are conversing with people, ask yourself, “How would I feel if someone said that to me?” Then use your best judgement on what to say next.

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Do I keep going down the same path, or do I change my approach and do some quick damage control ?

So just to recap all of the interwoven lessons now:

1. Try to go that extra step to make someone feel appreciated for something they have done for you. It honestly takes no time at all, yet has a huge impact.
2. Validating a person for something they are good at helps not only them feel better about themselves, but it helps you get in the habit of focusing on their greatness.
3. If you are really wanting to help someone, you may have to point out some areas or things that they could improve upon.  Sometimes these words are hard for people to hear. Therefore, make sure your words are surrounded by the things they do great!  Most likely, the words will then be received, yet they won’t think it defines them.

Now I am off to send a note to our friends who had us over for dinner last night. We said a million thank you’s as we drove off, but I think one more this morning would be nice.

P.S. This friend is the one who initially modeled this behavior, so I think it will be a nice touch!